When I graduated from college, the economy wasn’t particularly welcoming to new graduates, especially one with a finance degree from a school that wasn’t exactly known for its finance program. Finding a job was a full-time job. I networked constantly, met with anyone willing to give me time, wrote thank-you notes, and followed up religiously. I figured that if I couldn’t control the economy, I could at least control my effort.
One executive I met offered to make a few introductions. I was grateful and, after a few weeks, followed up with a gentle reminder. Nothing. I waited and tried again. Still nothing. I was ready to let it go when I happened to run into him at an event. I mentioned the introductions, and he told me I was like a dog with a bone. Apparently, I just wouldn’t let go. I politely thanked him and walked away feeling about two inches tall.
What bothered me wasn’t just the comment. Until that moment, I thought I was doing everything right. I’d been taught that persistence was a virtue, that following up showed initiative, and that successful people didn’t give up easily. Suddenly, something I’d always considered a strength was being described as a flaw. I started wondering whether I’d been too pushy with everyone else, too. For a while afterward, I caught myself opening follow-ups with “I hope I’m not being pushy,” which may be the most apologetic sentence a job seeker has ever written.
I’ve thought about that encounter over the years, usually when someone offers me feedback I wasn’t expecting or didn’t particularly want. Most of us say we appreciate honesty, and I believe we mean it. At least until someone is honest about something we like about ourselves. Tell us we’re hardworking, and we’ll happily agree. Suggest that our determination occasionally makes us difficult to deal with, and suddenly we have a lengthy explanation prepared about why they’re mistaken.
The hardest feedback isn’t necessarily about something we know we’re bad at. It’s when someone questions something we’ve always been proud of. Accepting even the possibility that they’re right means giving up a little of how we see ourselves, and that’s not always easy. The executive had made a promise he didn’t keep, and I’m still not sure he was the right person to deliver that message. (Yes, I notice I’m explaining. Old habits.) But there was something worth hearing. Over time, I learned that persistence also requires knowing your audience and paying as much attention to the person on the other end as to your own determination to follow through.
“The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.” – Norman Vincent Peale
I didn’t have to give up persistence. I had to give up the belief that it was always a virtue. We’re prepared to hear about our weaknesses. It’s when someone questions our strengths that we struggle to listen.
Have a good weekend.
-Vijay