Keeping score, we all do it, usually without even realizing it. Whether it’s who initiated the last phone call in a friendship, who picked up the check at dinner, or who took on the bigger share of the work on a team project, it’s a natural tendency. It comes from the sense of fairness learned early in life. But is keeping score always a good thing? Does it serve us, or can it sometimes hold us back?
Sometimes, keeping score can be incredibly useful. Metrics and measurements are essential in business. They help us assess progress, identify gaps, and make informed decisions. On a personal level, keeping track of goals, like saving money or running a faster mile, can motivate us to push forward. When the purpose of keeping score is growth, accountability, or ensuring equity in a collaborative effort, it’s hard to argue against its value.
But keeping score isn’t limited to the realm of logic and productivity. A few weeks ago, I saw an interview with a prominent political figure who remarked, “We all keep score.” He pointed out how the interviewer was likely comparing him to others she had spoken with, and he measured outcomes by questions like, “Are people better off?” and “Do children have a better future?”. Illustrating that keeping score can go beyond personal metrics to societal benchmarks, adding depth to how we assess impact.
It also sneaks into our relationships, where things should not be transactional. How often have you wondered, “Why am I always the one making the plans?” or “They didn’t thank me for going out of my way to help.” These thoughts might be justified, but they carry a weight. It reminds me of my local cigar lounge, where many of us bring libations to share. There have been times when someone, including me, hadn’t brought a bottle to contribute and initially declined offers of a drink because they couldn’t share in return. Yet, no one kept score. We all accept the generosity and just enjoy the camaraderie without keeping a tally. That mental tallying can overshadow the joy of giving freely or our gratitude for the relationship. Instead of appreciating the good, we start seeing what isn’t fair, what wasn’t reciprocated, or what didn’t go as expected. This mindset erodes trust and goodwill.
Letting go of the scorecard doesn’t mean letting yourself be taken advantage of. Healthy boundaries and open communication are crucial, and there is value in knowing when to step back if the scales feel perpetually unbalanced and the relationship is not healthy. The key is to approach these moments with curiosity rather than judgment.
Does keeping score matter? Yes, in the right context, to measure performance, effectiveness, or efficiency. It helps us measure progress, ensure fairness, and maintain accountability. But when it spills into our personal lives, it’s worth asking whether the practice is serving you well in terms of who you want to be and the relationships you want to have. Sometimes, the most meaningful moments are the ones where we let go of the tally and trust that, in the end, it all balances out.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” — Theodore Roosevelt
How do you approach keeping score in your own life? Share your thoughts on a story or pass this blog along to someone who might appreciate the perspective. Let’s start a conversation about what matters and how we can all strike the right balance.
Have a great weekend.
-Vijay