Ever notice how we’re master storytellers when justifying our mistakes, but harsh critics when judging others for the exact same behaviors? This silent double standard shapes our daily interactions in ways we rarely acknowledge, and it might be costing us more than we think.
Driving is a universal example. If I cut someone off while driving, I immediately have context that justifies my actions. Maybe I didn’t see them in my blind spot, clearly the fault of the car manufacturer to have that blind spot in the first place 😊! Or perhaps I’m racing to an important meeting or emergency. Whatever the reason, I know I didn’t do it maliciously; it was just an unfortunate circumstance or an honest mistake. I give myself grace.
But when someone else cuts me off? They instantly become the villain in my narrative. “What a reckless driver! How inconsiderate!” “Where did they learn how to drive?!” Same action, completely different interpretation, and reaction.
This pattern shows up everywhere. When a colleague misses a deadline, they’re “irresponsible”, but when we do, it’s because “we were overwhelmed with competing priorities.” When a friend is late responding to messages, they’re “neglectful”, but when we take days to reply, it’s because “life got busy.” When a stranger takes up extra space in public, they’re “inconsiderate“, but when we do the same with our bags spread across empty seats, we’re just “getting comfortable.”
This discrepancy exists because we have complete access to our own internal intentions, motivations, and circumstances, but only see others’ external actions. We craft detailed narratives to explain our behaviors while skipping straight to judgment for everyone else.
Psychologists call this the “fundamental attribution error“: our tendency to attribute others’ actions to their character while explaining our own through situational factors. It’s not just occasional hypocrisy; it’s how our brains are wired.
The good news? Once we recognize this pattern, we can actively work to overcome it. When someone does something that irritates you, take a breath. Ask yourself, “If I had just done that same thing, how would I explain it?” Try mentally swapping places with the other person. What pressures might they be facing? What might have led to their actions? Challenge yourself to form no immediate judgments. Later, if you learn the context and reasons for the behavior, act accordingly.
This doesn’t mean excusing truly harmful behavior or becoming a doormat. It simply means extending the same grace to others that we readily give ourselves.
When we practice this kind of empathy consistently, something remarkable happens. Not only do we experience less irritation and stress, but we also create space for more authentic connections. Our relationships improve when we stop assigning negative motivations to others’ actions. Plus, this practice often comes full circle; the more we extend understanding to others, the more likely they are to reciprocate when we inevitably make our own mistakes.
This week, catch yourself in just one “double standard” moment. When someone does something that bothers you, pause and consider what circumstances might explain their behavior. Choose empathy instead of judgment and notice how it affects your emotional state.
“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” — Harper Lee
What’s your experience with this? Have you caught yourself in this double standard recently? I’d love to hear your stories of when extending grace to others changed your perspective.
Have a great weekend.
Vijay