Have you noticed how happiness seems to be just out of reach, no matter how much progress you make? You land the promotion, buy the new car, take the dream vacation, but after the initial high wears off, life feels strangely “normal” again, and you are left feeling that you aren’t there yet. So, you move the goal post and tell yourself that once you meet that new goal, you will be happy. That is the “Gap Theory of Happiness” at work.
The idea is simple. Happiness isn’t determined by what we have, but rather by the gap between what we have and what we expect. If reality matches or beats our expectations, we feel good. If it falls short, we feel disappointed. The problem is that our expectations are constantly shifting upward. Psychologists call this “hedonic adaptation.” We meet a goal, get used to our change in status, whether it’s a new job title or a bigger house, and before long, we’re already chasing the next thing.
I’ve seen this play out countless times, in conversations with others and in my own life. Years ago, I set a goal of playing golf every week one summer. By the end of the season, I was relaxed and playing better than I had in years. But the following summer, when I couldn’t play as often, I found myself frustrated and disappointed. I was golfing more than most people, but certainly less than I had before that last summer, and the gap between what I expected (weekly golf) and what I had (occasional rounds) was stealing my joy.
It’s not just personal goals that trigger this trap; sometimes, the gap can be artificially widened by forces outside our control. Social media is particularly skilled at this. For example, I might scroll through Instagram, perfectly content, when I stumble across a friend’s post from Santorini. One glimpse at the crystal blue water, perfect lighting, and enviable “work from anywhere” lifestyle, and suddenly, there’s a voice in my head: “Why am I sitting in this coffee shop instead of on a Greek island?” If they can afford that trip, why can’t I? Maybe I’m not working hard enough or not living fully enough, and within seconds, my perfectly adequate Tuesday has been measured against someone else’s highlight reel and found wanting.
On the positive side, there have been times when I’ve experienced this pattern in real-time and have broken free from it. A while ago, I was having coffee with a friend who mentioned his new car, and my first thought was, “Why don’t I have one, too?” Then I remembered I was perfectly happy with my car that morning and had noticed how smooth the drive was and how reliable it’s been for years. In that moment, I made a conscious choice to anchor back to my original satisfaction rather than let his upgrade redefine my baseline. The conversation continued, but instead of feeling diminished, I felt genuinely happy for his excitement about the new car. The gap tried to open, but I refused to let it.
This kind of conscious choice is what makes the difference. So, how do we make these choices more consistently? First, recognize when the gap is forming. The feeling usually starts with comparison, “they have X, I only have Y.” Second, practice gratitude by intentionally returning to what was working before the comparison began. When I shifted from frustration about not golfing every week to gratitude for the times I did get out, the experience felt lighter, and I enjoyed those rounds more. Finally, manage your expectations by grounding them and remembering that external wins are fleeting.
This isn’t settling for less; it’s understanding how our minds work and how to manage our thinking. The ancient Stoics understood something profound about human nature: we suffer more in imagination than reality. What a true statement about humanity, regardless of the situation. When we let our expectations race ahead of our circumstances, we choose to feel worse about the same objective situation. The gap isn’t just about what we have versus what we want; it’s about learning to find contentment in the space between.
The next time you feel happiness slipping away, ask yourself: Am I really unhappy, or just caught in the gap?
“Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances.” – Benjamin Franklin
If this idea resonates, share it with a friend who might need the reminder, or tell me how you’ve learned to manage your own gap moments.
Have a good weekend.
-Vijay