One of the most common regrets people have at the end of life isn’t about money or career or even relationships. It’s this: “I wish I had let myself be happier.” Not “I wish I had been happier,” as if happiness was some elusive thing floating just out of reach, but “let myself be happier”. It was there for the taking, but I got in my own way. That really gets me.
Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse who spent years with people in their final weeks, compiled a list of the most common deathbed regrets, and this one surprised her the most. It wasn’t about what people had done wrong. It was about what they never gave themselves permission to feel. But if happiness really is a choice, why do we so often not choose it?
As kids, we never hesitated to grab happiness as if it were a given right. But, at some point (likely when responsibilities took over), many of us start treating happiness like a reward. Once we hit the next milestone, once the business grows, once the kids are older, once we “figure things out,” once “the house is paid off”, then we’ll let ourselves relax. Then we’ll be happy. But that line keeps moving. We chase it, thinking we’re being responsible, productive, or driven. Maybe we are, but we’re also putting life on hold.
I’ve done this more times than I care to admit, pushing aside the good stuff in the name of getting things done. At the time, I thought I was being efficient, focused, and smart. Looking back, I don’t remember the tasks I checked off or what was so important at the time. I do remember the laughs over coffee, the spontaneous trips, the quiet evenings when I slowed down long enough to notice how good life was.
Happiness, it turns out, often comes disguised as small everyday moments and opportunities that can pass us by if we don’t look for and make time for them. If we don’t take the time to be in the moment and give ourselves permission to enjoy it, instead of rushing through it to get to the next thing. As I write this, I’m reminded of a comment a friend made after returning from a business trip in Asia. The local business manager, she was conducting meetings often, would say, we have 10 minutes before our next visit, so let’s relax and get a refreshment. My friend always thought 10 minutes was not enough time. Why not prepare for the next meeting? Turns out, she learned quickly that it was enough time for a break and a fun conversation before getting started again, and those conversations were the best part of the trip.
So why don’t we intentionally choose happiness more often? Maybe because it feels frivolous, selfish or that we haven’t “earned it” yet. Maybe because we’re scared that by easing up, we’ll lose our edge. Perhaps we are so used to the hustle that we’ve forgotten there’s another way. Or maybe, we’ve fallen into the trap of believing there is always more time.
Whatever happiness looks like for you, time with someone you love, a walk without your phone, doing something silly with your kids or friends, give yourself permission to have it. Not later. Now.
The people who’ve reached life’s end are trying to tell us something. We should learn from it. The happiness we’re waiting for permission to feel, we already have. We just need to stop getting in our own way.
“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln
Do you know someone who could use this reminder? Pass it along. Sometimes the smallest message sparks the biggest shift.
Have a happy weekend!
-Vijay