Last month, someone asked me for something I didn’t have the bandwidth to give. I said yes anyway and for the next two weeks quietly resented a commitment that nobody had forced on me but myself. A few days later, I heard a statement that stopped me in my tracks: “People pleasing is selfish.”
My first reaction was that it couldn’t possibly be true. People pleasers are usually thoughtful, generous people who volunteer to help, generally avoid conflict and try to make life easier for everyone around them. If anything, they often put other people’s needs ahead of their own.
After thinking about it, I realized the statement wasn’t criticizing the behavior as much as questioning the motivation behind it.
I’ve certainly been guilty of it myself, well beyond that one “yes.” There have been times when I’ve avoided a difficult conversation that needed to happen, softened feedback because I didn’t want someone to be disappointed, or agreed to something that I knew would stretch me too thin. At the time, I told myself I was protecting the other person. Looking back, I wonder how much of it was really about protecting myself.
Disappointing people is uncomfortable as is delivering difficult feedback, saying no to someone who genuinely needs help, or telling a client that what they’re asking for isn’t realistic. Those moments create tension, and most of us would rather avoid tension whenever we can.
That’s where people-pleasing shifts quietly. What appears to be an act of generosity can actually become an attempt to avoid our own discomfort. We’re not always saying yes because it’s the best answer for the other person; sometimes we’re saying yes because it’s the easiest answer for us. We don’t want to feel guilty, create conflict, or be seen as the person who let someone down. That’s the selfish part. Not because we’re putting ourselves ahead of someone else.
The irony is that avoiding discomfort in the short term often creates bigger problems in the long term. The employee who never receives honest feedback loses an opportunity to grow. The client whose expectations aren’t managed eventually becomes frustrated. A friend or family member may continue doing something that bothers us because we’ve never had the courage to tell them. We preserve peace for a moment, but we often sacrifice clarity for much longer.
There’s another consequence I hadn’t considered until recently. Every time I say yes when I really mean no, or pretend I’m okay with something when I’m not, I invite someone to build a relationship with a version of me that isn’t completely authentic. They can’t respond to what I’m actually thinking because I’ve chosen not to share it. Ironically, trying to protect the relationship can slowly erode the very trust it’s built upon.
Perhaps that’s why that commitment I reluctantly accepted last month turned into resentment. The person who asked wasn’t responsible for how I felt; they simply accepted the answer I chose to give. My frustration wasn’t really with them; it was with myself for not having the courage to answer honestly in the first place.
I’m not suggesting that we should become blunt or insensitive. Honesty without empathy is not helpful, but empathy without honesty isn’t kindness either. Real kindness often requires courage: the courage to disappoint someone today so you don’t mislead them tomorrow, the courage to set a boundary, or the courage to have a conversation you’ve been avoiding because the relationship deserves honesty more than temporary comfort.
I’ve started trying to replace one question with another. Instead of asking, “How do I avoid disappointing this person?” I’m trying to ask, “What’s the most caring thing I can do for this person?” Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes it’s no. Sometimes it’s an honest conversation that neither of us is looking forward to.
Kindness isn’t measured by how comfortable everyone feels in the moment; it’s measured by whether we have the courage to do what’s best for the relationship over time. Sometimes the most generous thing we can give someone isn’t agreement or approval. It’s clarity, delivered with honesty, respect, and genuine care.
“The quality of your life is determined by the quality of the conversations you are willing to have.” – Timothy R. Ferriss
Is there a “yes” in your life right now that’s costing you more than the “no” would have? I’d genuinely like to know. Feel free to reply and tell me.
Have a great weekend.
-Vijay